My pent-up emotions were sweeping over me, but thankfully I’d been able to slip away unnoticed. My vision blurred through the tears as I looked at my surroundings woefully. I was on the verge of a high school breakup, and the impending reality I had been in denial over finally sank in. There was nothing I could do to stop what was coming, and it was more than my tender 18-year-old heart could bear. I was losing control, and the fear and anxiety took over.

This is where I found myself 15 years ago as I experienced my first anxiety attack. To this day, it is one of the scariest ordeals I have lived through. I could not think or speak, much less pray, but that didn’t matter to God.

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.”

– Romans 8:26

In that moment, I had no awareness of his presence, but looking back, it’s all too clear he was holding my hand, leading me through the darkness.

He was there in my mother’s heart as she took control and drove me to the nearest crisis center.

He was there in the calm, understanding demeanor of the counselor talking me through the situation.

He was there as my mom advocated for me as we sought out treatment options for my anxiety.

I wish I could say things got better quickly after all that, but they actually got worse. In the weeks that followed, I would experience a painful breakup, missing out on my senior prom, a drastic change in my post-high school plans and an unexpected betrayal of trust – all scars that I still carry today.

By the time I made it to graduation day for the Memorial High School Class of 2009, I was a walking hot mess of raw emotions … but somehow, I walked through all these trials with a visible grace.

I didn’t know it then, but I know now – this was not a coincidence.

I’m so thankful that God steps in when we need him most – without us even having to ask for his help. Sometimes, we’re just not able to cry out to him. But just like a discerning father who puts his arm around your shoulder, he surrounds us with people to help us, fills us with his strength in our weakness, and puts us back on our feet on solid ground.

This was not the last time I struggled with anxiety. Honestly, I still struggle with it today, off and on. I am thankful for my struggles, though, because they are evidence of how the Holy Spirit has worked in my life and I pray they might encourage others walking through similar trials.

I still look back at parts of my past and wonder, “How did I ever get through that?”

But God … that’s how. And he’ll do it for you too.

Music in the Moment

I’m adding a little something new to this blog. Music has always helped me to process things better, and often, God will lead me to a specific song that resonates with a certain memory or experience. The song I’ve chosen to go along with this blog is “Scars” by I Am They – you can watch the music video below. Hope it speaks to you too.